Wednesday, March 11, 2009

OP is a faggot.

I finished A Clockwork Orange today. Pretty good overall, but I went "haw haw haw" at the twenty-first chapter. Because I was slightly hung over and didn't want to be productive at all today, I decided that a good way to waste two hours would be to download and watch the movie.

About thirty seconds into the movie, I made the executive decision that I wanted to wear mascara on my right eye in order to be more of a Burgess fanboy and impress my reclusive mind with a delusional sense of antisocial personality disorder. I look up how to apply mascara on Youtube. After watching the video (and realizing how painstakingly obvious the application procedure is) I went to go the bathroom and spent about five minutes applying the black eyelash-improving goodness.

I failed miserably (shit clots, wtf?) and decided to just wash it off. I thought I got it all, but obviously not.

Mother: So how was Waffle House?
Kane: Good. There was a black kid there who didn't charge me because he liked my shoes.
Mother: Oh, that's nice... Are you wearing mascara?
Kane *stuttering*: Uhh.... Ye-yeah. I was, I was... just curious as to how I would look with make-up on.
Mother: Ok... Goodnight...

At least I was wearing my pair of 510's when this happened. I'm sure they redeemed my sexuality.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Ok, so your number is... 867-5309? Awesome. I'll call you sometime.

So this past weekend, I went to CTOPS registration.  It was one of the most fun weekends I have had in a good while thanks to drunkenness, amazingly bodacious seventeen year olds, and being able to drive faster than 35mph in a majority of the city.

Friday is slow. We hang out at Chimble's house, play some guitar hero, watch a TERRIBLE show called Awesometown, and then go to pick up his drunk friend Karma. As it turn out, Karma is completely wasted I promised her that I wouldn't write about her, but I have to include this one awesome occurrence of the night. She was throwing up in the bathtub for a good hour or so when she finally decided to get out. Being the nice friends that we are, Chimble and I attempt to help her make it safely out of the tub and into some real clothes.

Despite living there for a good two weeks, he has no idea which nozzle in his shower controls which temperature. As soon as he tries to turn the water off, the bathroom starts to fill with steam and the screams of burning woman. I'm sitting by the sink, laughing, and watching him fiddle with the nozzles for a good ten seconds before he runs out of the room and goes to enlist the help of his roommate Steve.

Saturday night, we go over to a house  party. There are a good 30 people there, but one girl caught my interest. In a house full of Seersucker and Polo attire, she was wearing a cliche' 70's headband with matching shirt, some BDG jeans, and black clogs embedded with fake looking diamonds. You can tell that she's the Janis Joplin kind of girl who lives under the influence, and smokes a pack a day.

So I sit down and instantly start shooting as much game as I can. She was mine. A few lines of mine:

"Yeah, I'm going to school here next semester. I'm like, number one in my class or something back home."
"Oh, you're from the mountains? I love mountains. Some people call me an "Outdoors man". "
"You smoke American Spirits?  Cool!"
"Hell yeah, I love to paint. You should see some of my work. Pretty much all I do in my apartment is smoke and paint."
"I just got out of an abusive relationship."

It was pretty much my typical mack AKA I just made up stuff about myself.  Everything was going fine. She said we were soulmates. And then she had to leave.

Seeing my opportunity about to disappear, I decided to ask her for her number.  I told her I'd give her a call sometime soon.

After she left I asked her friend if she had given me her real number.
Whale: "She gave you xxx-xx19, right?"
Kane: *Looks at phone, sees xxx-xx20* "...Yes. Of course"
Whale: "...Really?"
Kane: *Drunk* "NO. :(*

Monday, April 14, 2008

April needs to slow down.

Parrott Had their prom this past week as well. I went up to the beach as a DD for my boy, who was trying to meet some girls; who, at those houses, were practically handed to you in a goody bag upon entering. Worse turns to worse, and I end up driving some drunk marine's tanked out truck to the store to buy some cigarettes. We'll call my passenger "Buddy", as that was a term he was pretty fond of.

"I've never been pulled over before. Two years and counting", I tell him. A fact I was really proud of at the time. Two minutes later, I'm sitting in a gas station parking lot, pulled over, with blue lights in my rear-view.

Kane: "What do I tell him? What did I do?"
Buddy: "I don't know dude, just tell him what he asks."
*Cop walks up to the window, flashlight in hand and skeptical look on his face*
Pig: "You boys been drinkin' tonight?"
Kane: "Nah, I'm actually a DD for the night."
Buddy: "I'm drunk and there is a shotgun in the back of this here truck."

There is no way I can describe the look that came over my face when I heard Buddy say that to the cop.
Pig: "Excuse me young man?"
Buddy: "I have a gun in the back of the car. It's unloaded and I ain't tryin' to get no concealed weapon ticket."

Suprisingly, him clearing that up and being so honest with the cop got him off our back. Cop pulled me out of the car, told me that I was one of the worst truck drivers I had ever seen, informed me that turning lanes an dividing lines are not just there to make the road pretty, breathylized me, attempted to get me to tell him where the party was, and sent me on my way. He didn't even give Buddy a ticket for underage drinking!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

New Month

Conversations with my boss at GS:

Rodney: So, Kane, isn't it funny how different our generations are?
Kane: Uhhhh. I guess. You wear sweaters to work, I wear polos. Crazy.
Rodney: That's not the only difference. For example, what would you say if I told you to straighten up those shelves over yonder?
Kane: Ummm... "OK"?
Rodney: Well, maybe the first time. Maybe even the second time. But on the third, I'm pretty sure you would give me some "lip".
Kane: I mean, it is my job... I doubt I would complain about having to do my job.
Rodney, as if I had answered"Damn right I would"*: I guess I should just learn to expect it. Your generation doesn't realise how easy you have it. All the rights you have that MY generation earned for you.
Kane: Rodney... You realize, I'm not black, right? I would have the same rights despite what your generation had accomplished. Probably more.
Rodney: Right... Well anyways, go home and change your shoes. You have to wear dress shoes to work. And remember to clock out until you get back.

And another.

Rodney: Kane, why are your pre-orders so low?
Kane: Because we're located in the Twin Rivers Mall. We don't get any customers.
Rodney: Rubbish! What do you call those over there? *points at two little babies running around the store*
Kane: Children who's parents drop them off, with no money, while they go check the blue-light deals at K-mart. Every single day. Do you think we can get a sign that says "GAMESTOP IS NOT FREE CHILD CARE"?
Rodney: Kane, you're looking at it the wrong way. Go up to them, tell them about upcoming games. Perhaps they will get their parents to buy them later.
Rodney *to kids*: Hey guys! Heard about Super Smash Brothers Brawl?
Kids: *keep running around like hooligans*
Rodney: It's coming out soon, and it's really going to revelutionaryize the gjonder of fighting games
Kane: Excuse me Rodney?
Rodney: Brawl. the fighting gjonder is going to be revolutionaryized by it.
Kane: Ok, that's waht I thought you said. Just making sure.


Sunday, March 30, 2008

Godly in life, mortal on paper.

As if applying for college didn't make me feel "normal" enough, here I am being forced to apply for scholarships. Now, I don't know about most people, but filling out applications really brings me down. The realization that I'm not very special hits hard.

They don't care how far my guild has progressed into the Black Temple, they don't want to see my Overkills in matchmaking, and they sure as hell don't want to read my blog. They don't even care about what I do on the weekends, what my friends think of me, or what kind of person I am. All the things which seem to make me who I am, all the achievements I am proud of, are deduced into GPAs, extra-curriculars, recommendations, and essays.

Spring break is, unfortunately, coming to an end. Despite my earlier prophecies, I actually managed to have a pretty amazing time. Matt and I went up to Raleigh from Wednesday to Friday, which was pretty life-changing.

We saw Badfish, a Sublime cover-band, at the Cat's. Scotty Don't opened for them. First off, the amount of jokes Matt can make out of "Scotty Don't" blows my mind. I think I heard them referred to as "Scotty Don't put it in that hole, Scotty Don't nut yet it's only been a minute, Scotty Don't know when to get off the stage you're so terrible as a band, etc. " Ask him yourself if you want a full list. It goes on for ages.Scotty don't wast pretty terrible, so naturally, when they got off the stage, we cheered at the top of our lungs. Only minutes till Badfish was coming.

As it turns out, Badfish is Scotty Don't with the lead singer wearing a different t-shirt. Sort of like Spider-man is Peter Parker in a spider suit.   They were way better at cover songs though.  After the concert was over, Matt and I had to sneak back into Merideth. This consists of spooning in the very back of Catherine's car with Matt, laying under a blanket, with a cooler on top of us.

There is a bunch of other stuff I could mention, but I have a raid starting in 25 minutes. While it may not be important to the Albert G. Banger Memorial Scholarship Comittee, I'm getting my epics tonight.

Monday, March 24, 2008

First Random Comment

So, I got my first positive comment from a random person the other day. On my "Music" blog. This may seem like nothing to people who don't actually WRITE blogs, but to me, it's a milestone. I honestly haven't been this excited in quite some time.

Her name is "The Shrip Queen", and she writes about fish. And cooking fish. How to cook fish, and the life of a fish cook. At first I thought to myself, "What in TARNATION could a fish-cook find interesting in my blogs?", but then I noticed her personal page.

Actually, her personal page doesn't even give that much away. Her favorite movie is Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. Which I had to IMDB in order to see if it was real, by the way. She listens to Nirvana, Sade, and N.E.R.D.

This next passage was taken directly from her blog, from a story that deviates away from the big blue.

"It all began when I got into an accident last month. It involved sleeplessness, darkness, and a stationary utility cart sitting quite comfortably in the middle of a usually(but not at 11:30pm) highway. Bottom line? It was my fault. From the insurance company's wack-ass P.O.V, "What if it had been a small child?" If this conversation had not been recorded for training purposes, I might have revealed the answer that A. The child would have been one dead mothafucka. B. You would not be recieving a call from my ass."

This one is to you, Shrimp Queen. Keep making those shrimp and grits, and I'll keep writing for you. I appreciate your hits.


Spring has come, and, although originally dreading it, it actually doesn't seem that bad. The flowers blooming this year seem brighter than the last.

Spring break, however, has maintained the life-long tradition of boring  me. Everyone is out of town, and my "only two friends", according to someone I know, live out of town. There is literally nothing to do.

The prospect of a week out of school SEEMED exciting at the time, but I think it was just an illusion brought on by the fun I was having during the 180 days of torture. I had a "party" before we got out, and was actually able to see a glimmer of hope for the rest of the year. Some of the mentionable honors for the night were:

- A friend of mine passing out WHILE using the toilet. Pants down, on the stool, stone-cold. His name won't get put on the internet due to the fact that his mom has ties with Big Brother, but most of the people reading this know who it is. There are pictures.

- My ex-step-brother coming over with his new girlfriend. While she was over here, I happened to bring up her ex-best-friend that he used to see. I tried to play it off, but just continuously laughed in her about my mistake.  Oops.

- The toilet-drunkard getting up, driving to school at six in the morning, going to Raleigh with Science Olympiad, throwing up multiple times during the day, and STILL qualifying for the state physics competition. Tank.

- And last but not least, Justin. Just everything about him.